Hello and welcome to the press centre for the first dress rehearsal of the first semi-final for the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest!

This is the one dress rehearsal where the arena is open to the press, but since there’s no wi-fi over there, I’ll be blogging it from in front of the TV screen instead. Which is a good thing really, since that’s how the show will be seen in living rooms around Europe.

The show begins at 15:00 CET and I’ll be updating after every song and with any other details, e.g. about the production, the postcards, the presenters and all – so keep refreshing!

15:05 – Well, nobody’s entirely sure what’s happening yet. The show might have started, but the video feed in the press centre is still showing the placeholder logo, so we’re none the wiser!

15:13 – According to chatter [PL] over in the arena, there’s a countdown now and the presenters are on stage, so we can’t be too far away…

15:20 – We have lift-off! We’ve had to re-tune the TVs in the press centre ourselves though. Someone will probably be along to complain soon. All three presenters are on the stage and going through some pretty awful dialogue – business as usual at ESC then.

POLAND
The postcard involves the Wuppertal Schwebebahn. Hurrah! Beating hearts on the big screens before each song begins. Magdalena and gang in white and sparkly things. She looks a bit harsh on camera, not sure it helps matters. The routine is tighter than it’s been before, but I still think there are too many long shots that make the whole thing lose focus. Impressive backdrop involving a “curtain” of yellow lights during the chorus, and an adequate vocal performance.

We have a backstage camera watching the next performer enter the stage!

NORWAY
We’re in the snowy mountains for the Norwegian postcard. Stereotype much? Stella performs well considering there’s no audience to bounce off. Her eyes look kind of tired, which is perhaps unsurprising considering how much partying the Norwegians have done over the last week. Early night tonight, love! This’ll look and sound so much better with fans, flags and (erk) hammers in attendance, although hopefully that won’t throw Stella off her vocals. The backdrop reminds me of our website logo in places, a multicoloured “lattice” effect. Cute.

ALBANIA
Up at the Baltic for the Albanian postcard, and a couple in love writing “Feel your heart beat” in Albanian in the sand. Then Aurela comes along to shout us into submission for three minutes. She looks a bit like a bird of prey. Albeit one with cleavage. The backing singers do an entirely unnecessary finger-clicking routine in the chorus, but all in all, this is bloody effective if you like this kind of thing (and many do). Firmly back into “potential qualifier” territory for me, this one. Her neck veins are going to look scary in HD though.

ARMENIA
Not sure about the postcard, as the video feed decided to cut away from this one. Oh well. Emmy’s boxing gown “surprise” is kind of given away by the backstage camera. She’s still not engaging with the camera early in the song, but gets into it with time. She takes her own gown off now, which is an entirely sensible development since the backing dancers were incapable of doing so. Backing vocals are a bit sharp and shrill at this stage. The boxing ring they make out of ribbons during the middle bit is very effective for such a cheap trick. Oh, her dress really is the one with a boxing championship belt across the middle. Looks far less ridiculous than it sounds! And she gets handed a boxing glove by one of the dancers at the end. Erm, OK.

TURKEY
Instead of the postcard, we got to see the stage hands setting up the band’s equipment. It took them a bit too long, but nothing to worry about. Oh my god, what is the singer wearing? It’s, like, a gold and black top and green jeans with what look like sequins attached. So not rock ‘n’ roll, I’m afraid. We’re all trying to see what the gyrating woman in the ball is doing different this time – there’s supposed to be a “surprise”, you see. Either way, she appears to be styled on an Oriental production of “Cats”. The singer undoes some ropes at the end and… the singer emerges from the ball wearing wings. Well that was really worth waiting for.

The first ad break involves the hosts singing “The Happy Wanderer” at various artists at the official welcome party. File under “German humour”.

SERBIA
OK, we’re really not seeing the postcards now so I’ll stop trying to write about them. On my way back from the coffee bar just now, I overheard someone saying “Serbia’s going to win this whole fucking semi-final, you know”. No they’re not. The backdrop is still psychedelic-meets-epileptic, and it just doesn’t work. I could believe we’re seeing a bit less of it than before, though, which: good. Nina looks stunning but still biffs plenty of the notes on the way through. Two of the Danish band just wandered past on a coffee hunt. Whee! OK, this actually works better than I’d previously thought, so I’m less inclined to pigeonhole it as a potential surprise non-qualifier – it just depends on whether people will buy the combination of style and language.

RUSSIA
There’s ballet dancing in the postcard, that much we can see even from a distance! And then the exact opposite of balletic subtlety and grace, Alex and his dancers. Bloody effective though, damn them. The first shit-eating grin he gives the camera will have Brits laughing into their beers and half of Europe reaching for the telephone. He shouts “Do you feel my heart beat, Düsseldorf?” as the beat kicks in. Doesn’t seem to be giving his all vocally, but then nobody’s voting on this (and he was at the Sammarinese party last night, rapping and dancing to Tatu, so he might be feeling a bit worse for wear today). Oops, the camera just froze as he went up onto the podium from which he’ll soon be backflipping. Which he just did, and it kinda worked – he’s putting a hand on the floor as he lands to be on the safe side, which is sensible but looks less good than it would otherwise. I still feel there’s one too many messy gimmicks in this one – think Sakis, 2009 vintage – but it’s clearly a contender for winning the semi given its professionalism and provenance.

The “immigrant from each country” vibe we were promised in the postcards is a lot less pronounced and tacky than it might have been, incidentally – it’s not all “OMG LOOK HOW MULTICULTURAL GERMANY IS!!1!”.

SWITZERLAND
It’s at this point that I realise I have absolutely nothing to say about Switzerland. (Na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na.) Anna is singing well (give or take the occasional croaky note) and looks as pretty as ever. The backdrop and the dress still don’t really work as far as I’m concerned, but she’s getting the most she can out of the performance. The cameras could do with focusing on the backing boys a bit more often, and not only for aesthetic reasons – I’m not sure Anna has the star quality to carry the whole thing more or less on her own. Good rehearsal though, obviously.

GEORGIA
They’ve forgotten to light Sopho in the early part of the song. Unless that’s a deliberate production decision. She is singing brilliantly, the rapper is somewhat less convincing (and needs to move out from behind his microphone stand, it’s getting in the way). Man, this really stands out even in the loud and upbeat line-up we’ve had so far. Could suck up a significant segment of votes well beyond its geographical field of influence.

Another quick interlude from one of the female presenters – they’re not showing us which one, and I don’t recognise their voices yet. She gives some spiel about the voting, then a reference to Lordi takes us into the Finnish postcard.

FINLAND
And that, dear colleagues, is the sound of a million housewives, grandmas and little girls around Europe collectively going “awwwww”. Followed by the rest of us going “eek” as the video feed to the press centre drops out for half a minute accompanied by a loud and piercing beeping noise. Which means we’ve missed the Earthrise behind Peter, I mean Oskar, I mean Axel. But the now-risen planet still looks stunning, and this whole thing has the potential to do some serious scoreboard damage. In a way, qualification is its biggest challenge. But it should do it, particularly with plenty of winsome smiles from Axel along the way.

MALTA
Glen and his gang are basically the first to engage directly with the backstage camera. Surprise! We’re getting the postcards again – we’re at the opera in Berlin. And then a tragicomic drama unfolds on stage in the form of the Maltese entry. Glen is loving it, thouh, and why wouldn’t he? He pulls everything out of this song that there is to pull out of it, and that’s why he won’t end up dead last in the semi (the UK is voting in this one, after all). Qualification is a mere pipe dream though.

SAN MARINO
The reason I don’t think Malta will be last in the semi-final is because I suspect San Marino will be. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the song or the performance (though the very first “ahhh”s from the backing vocalists set a pretty duff tone to start with) – it’s just that the whole thing is nice rather than actively good, and that’s fatal at ESC. Apparently they found someone from San Marino for the postcard, though, so that’s nice.

CROATIA
Time to see just how many dresses Daria will be wearing in the course of the three minutes. There’s the black one with the sparkly gold glory trail to start with. Hands up! Gosh, it’s such a shame they’re tacky-ing this one up so much, because it could be a really fun daft party song if they let it be. And now she’s in pink! The magician managed to hold her mobile dressing room up high enough that we didn’t see the top of her head this time, which is progress. Catwalk, and back again. I’ve only just noticed that Daria has Lorraine Kelly’s slightly sneery lips. Key change. And a pyro that covers up her final dress change into something silver, except it doesn’t really cover it up because you totally see her releasing her magical belt of doom. Oh well.

ICELAND
Stage hands running everywhere – apparently the Croatia-Iceland changeover is a tricky one in terms of equipment. I wonder if they’ll wedge in a bit of Engelke action on the night to give them a few more seconds. The problem for Iceland is to keep a well-rehearsed performance looking spontaneous and like a bunch of (Sjonni’s) friends playing together on spec. I’m not sure they quite manage it here, and where “calculated” works for the likes of Alex Sparrow, it won’t win this song any votes. Some awkward close-up shots don’t help either. Still, they sing it impeccably, and there’s a feel-good vibe about the whole thing that is kind of infectious. And of course we have no idea to what extent the various commentators will be mentioning the backstory.

Green room break (or the “inner sancshum”, as the script appears to call it). Looks like we’ll be going to Stella Mwangi at this point for the obligatory “last year’s host country” talk. The green room appears to involve some curious pod-like structures built into the stand at one end of the Esprit Arena, which looks terribly odd when they show it from above and presumably won’t allow for much interaction between the delegations, though maybe that’s not such a bad thing…

HUNGARY
We had the Hamburg Fischmarkt in the Icelandic postcard, so it’s only fair that this one features the Viktualienmarkt in Munich. (Brilliant soup café there, if you’re ever in the neighbourhood.) Could this be the most eagerly awaited song in this rehearsal? Kati’s done her hair in a frizzy kind of style that makes her look a bit classier and a bit less Dar Williams. Most of the high notes here aren’t sitting properly. It’s not that they’re wrong, but they’re not right either (to use Storengian logic). Then again, first dress reherasal, no juries, yadda yadda. I still think the whole thing is too static and visually confused (those dancers, man), but I do suspect the strength of the song will drag it through to the final, where it’ll get the Hera Björk result and Graham Norton will be perplexed as to why it didn’t win.

PORTUGAL
Luta, luta, camarada, luta! Signs, shouting, sloganeering – you know how this one works by now. It probably won’t qualify, but I bet it comes a damn sight closer than most people think it will.

LITHUANIA
If Katharine McPhee ever did Eurovision… This is still very effective at this specific point in the draw, but it does meander a great deal before getting to the chorus – and then there’s the ridiculous sign language, which doesn’t help in the slightest (although they’re filming it a bit better today). Evelina struggles to keep in time with the backing track during the verses, which isn’t a huge surprise as it doesn’t provide many reference points, but it still sounds a bit messy. The last minute is terribly effective, though, and if a woman in white singing a ponderous Euroballad with a fella on the grand piano in the background could come 5th for the UK two years ago, why shouldn’t the same concept put Lithuania into the final here?

AZERBAIJAN
They’re still “Ell/Nikki” on the caption, which is just weird. The “Yaz Bitti” routine to start, and they’re off. There are very few songs that look better in terms of LEDs and lighting than this one. Unfortunately, the vocals are a bit of a car crash. Well, not so much a car crash as a series of gentle shunts followed by politely embarrassed swapping of insurance details. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that’s not right here, but I suppose it’s always going to be difficult to turn a multi-layered, breathy, intimate vocal track into something that works on the ESC stage. Visually arresting, though, and that might be enough to overcome the audio barriers and their (ever-present) lack of chemistry and get them the top 5 position the market clearly thinks they’re on course for. Someone across the way just proclaimed “they will qualify!” Hello, is this your first ESC?

GREECE
Loukas is wearing a dark suit. Wasn’t expecting that; not sure it’s wise. At least his collar’s unbuttoned. This is still more interpretive dance, mumbling and yelling than it is a recognisable song, and yet I can see it doing very well in this semi-final indeed. The dancers even do a Croatian Strip towards the end. It’s last year’s Bosnian entry basically, something that theoretically should be too lame and dark to qualify, but they’ve managed to make it into a visual spectacle and that’ll be enough to drag it quite a long way.

And now Stefan Raab is speaking Greek. Fabulous. Let’s see what else we get today. Ah, we do get a Schnelldurchlauf, presumably taken from the last open rehearsals (although I suppose they could have cut it together quickly today). What stands out in this format? Albania certainly does after two dancey openers. Serbia benefits from its perkiness. Switzerland is currently using something from the final chorus that’s just a load of ad libs rather than the actual melody – bad idea, but that might just be the producers’ choice as a placeholder for now. Finland wisely include a bit of “da da dam” in theirs. Iceland is effective after three no-hopers. Hungary take the end of the quiet Hungarian section followed by the English chorus – probably reasonable enough. It’s the first chorus for Lithuania, whereas I think the second one with the drumbeat would be more sensible. Azerbaijan include the middle eight (or thereabout) where he attempts to get intimate with her – awkward. And Greece rightly goes for the back end of the second chorus and stands out a mile.

And we’re back in the green room! What now? Something called “Feel your heart beat – extra large!”, apparently. A film that takes extra footage from all of the postcards, by the looks of it. Followed by more talk and another snabbrepris. Gosh, but the press centre is busy and loud now. Countdown is 2:00 and counting. Meanwhile, my laptop has about 30 minutes of juice left in it before I’ll need to go and find a friendly socket. I assume we’ll get the Actual Interval Act before that happens. Whoopsie, the televoting time ran out during Lithuania. Poor Azerbaijan and Greece!

Hm, OK, perhaps we’re not getting the interval after all. It involves drumming to some extent. Either way, battery is rapidly dying so I’m going to call it quits for now. I won’t be guessing my 10 qualifiers until after tomorrow’s final dress rehearsal, so stay tuned to esc-chat.com and enjoy all the Eurovision action in the most exciting week of the year!