Missed me?

Last year, out of complete boredom and a great need to obsess about rehearsals despite being on the other side of the world, I decided to take advantage of the fact I co-manage this website and ramble my random rehearsal thoughts away. Somehow people cared what I thought – a mystery yet unclear to me, although I assume it’s part of the rehearsal week syndrome, a disease that attacks Eurovision fans at around the same time every year and compels them to read anything anyone has written online about the year’s rehearsals.

I’ve been a little reluctant to attempt a repeat this year because the sequel is never quite as good as the original and this year I have more responsible adulting coming in the way, but it took about three videos today – at the office, obviously – for me to start taking notes, and about ten more seconds to realize what I was writing my notes on.

If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.

As the first semi final participants have completed their first round of technical rehearsals, it’s a good time to jump in and inflict my random rehearsal thoughts on you. Sorry about that.

Sweden:
Those Swedes, they are really so very nice. They know how dramatic the first day of rehearsals is for fans, and understand that mornings are generally awful and that fans at the hall really needed time to get themselves together, have a coffee or ten and get mentally ready for a few very long days, so they did everything they could to help us go through the transition from the horrible time of year known as April into rehearsals, teaching us nothing new about their routine. That’s Sweden for you. IKEA, Max Martin,          Zlatan Ibrahimović and keeping their MF routines. As you were, Sweden.

Georgia:
The Georgians, as it turns out, are not as nice as the Swedes, at least not if you’re Lucie Jones.

They also seem to have been inspired by the 2010 stage, which should be good news for me because I loved the 2010 stage, but do you know what I really don’t like? Georgia’s song, so no help here. The photos suggest they also borrowed the “hey! Look! I’m doing something really surprising and wearing some sort of cape just so I can throw it away at some point!” from about everyone else that participated in Eurovision before them, and to illustrate that point it seems they also hired the services of the ghosts of backing singers past because I don’t know how else to explain Tako standing in glorious loneliness and the walls singing back at her.

Tako

Not Tako

Australia:
Also known as “the one in which I learned how many thoughts I can cram into 30 seconds.”
Wait, what is this?
Oh, that’s Australia, right.
How does it go again?
Is this really how the song sounds? I don’t recognize it.
Are the Georgian ghosts still there? They sound like they are, doing their best to haunt the Aussie backing vocals.
His face look very big on that screen.
Oh, he’s standing on a rotating platform! I didn’t even notice him there!
Wait, what was his name again?
Never mind.
Was this the first time I heard him sing live? Yes, I think it was. So why do I have no memory of how he sounded even though I just heard him?
And why is there a rotating platform, anway? I get that it probably comes neither easy nor cheap, but I doubt that’s the connection.
Alright, we’re done. Who is up now?
Argh, that.

Albania:
Albania has obviously decided to dedicate their efforts this year to the home nation with their clock theme, which I find touching, but not as impressive as the exorcism performed live on stage, as Lindita’s vocals managed to expel the Georgian ghosts and allow real people to take their place! And in the center of the stage, no less. Albania, keep up with the rest of the Eurovision world, you’re doing it wrong! I hope you plan to dress them in black and project your backdrop on them or something so no one sees them, if you intend to have any chance at this game.

The Exorcist | Anders Putting, eurovision.tv

Belgium:
After seeing all those Blanche memes yesterday, I felt extra bad for having eaten Blanche at work last week.

Also, speaking of having chances at things, Belgium rehearsed. Blanche, unsurprisingly at this point, was a confidence vacuum. The lights in the background looked more like space station lights than city lights, but I suppose that at least counts as a very dangerous zone. The rest of this is looking a lot less dangerous than I hoped it would be, although my tiny hope of this relying on camera work and very specific shots were kept alive by the camera crew being clearly visible during the video, slowly panning in and out of a close up and making up for Blanche’s lack of movement – well, she actually moves, awkwardly, in place and really shouldn’t, but otherwise – and I guess the close ups are supposed to capture Blanche’s fragility and make it part of the entry instead of working against it. Right now, though, they’re not so much hitting fragile, more like goddamn terrified.

Montenegro:
You Tarzan Me Jane.

Or is it the other way around? | Anders Putting, eurovision.tv

Finland:
They always say things never really go out of fashion, they just wait for their time to come back. So it only took 120 years, give or take a decade, for Leena’s family to finally find some use to that old Victorian funeral dress of her great great great grandmother. Why they kept it, I don’t know, but the Finnish are optimistic and cheerful like that, as we all know from their Eurovision entries, so I suppose it makes sense.

Otherwise, it’s business as usual. They excel at being professional and competent. The only problem is that one has to assume much of the audience has fainted in shock at some point during Montenegro, and this song is not the best type of music to serve as a smelling salt.

1880s Coming Back | Anders Putting, eurovision.tv

Azerbaijan:
We were at a funeral and now we have DiHaj handing us her skeletons. How cheerful. The 37 seconds of the rehearsal video reminded me of every time I visited a famous modern art museum. I love art. I know a lot about art. Yet I have no idea what I am staring at right now, and why is it here, what is it supposed to convey exactly and what is the proper response except being scared that someone will realize I am a total pretender and will kick me out of the museum for not being avant garde enough?

Basically, it’s a great song, DiHaj, but I seriously have no freaking clue what you’re doing.

Portugal:
It’s a bit eerie seeing Luisa Sobral channeling her brother, but it makes sense that she would under the unique circumstances of having to stand in for him. And while this is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is nothing short of a true miracle to see Portugal making all the right choices with an entry, a feat that probably won’t repeat for another century, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Greece:
In preparation for this rehearsal, I have refreshed my memory with the previous Eurovision work of Fokas Evagelinos, who was the stage director for Greece in 2004, 2005 and 2009, for Russia in 2006, 2008, 2014 and 2016, Ukraine in 2008 and Azerbaijan in 2013. Therefore, I was truly shocked when I saw how understated his staging for Demy was.

Oh, no, it was just a vocal rehearsal that was posted on Instagram, never mind. Nothing to see here, moving on!

To his credit, he might be a World and Olympic Champion at kitchen sink throwing, but he does at least manage to keep recycling himself to a minimum and find new and exciting ways to do as much as possible using a given space. And given how minimalist everything else has been so far, it’s not a horrible approach. It’s all a bit too dramatic for my taste – and the type of song – but what else do you expect from a Greek.

THE RAIN! THE RAIN! | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

Poland:
The stage this year is rather dark, but amazingly we haven’t been drowning in blue as much as we were doing this time last year.

This is basically why I am the world’s worst jinx. I was just thinking that when the Polish video appeared, duly displaying lots and lots of blue. It all looks very every-other-Eurovision-Ballad-ever and is it wrong of me to hope her violinist accidentally hits her? We have a tradition to maintain!

Moldova:
Now, this is the real surprise of the first two days of rehearsals. For the first time since their debut participation – in the same city, what do you know – there is an entry from Moldova using the exact same staging it had in the national final. Who do you think you are, Sweden? Being slick and professional already in the national final and therefore not needing to adjust much to make it work on a bigger stage is not something you’re supposed to know how to do. I suppose when you send your Epic Sax Guy, you just feel invincible and like you can do everything, even crazy stuff like that! Seriously, though. What were you thinking?

I Will Be Popular | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

(Probably that it works as well as it can as it stands, and if those guys can’t sell it, nothing will.)

Iceland:
All I got from this is nightmares about having to go to a bachelorette party – God, I hate bachelorette parties – while dressed up as a blond Minnie Mouse and being forced into playing the stupid games we girls are forced to play at bachelorette parties, because I’m really no fun at all and this is incredibly silly, and this is the game where we’re supposed to mummify a friend with rolls of toilet paper while pretending we’re creating a wedding dress. I really don’t need this in my life, Svala, go away.

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

Czech Republic:
The Czech Republic plan of not finishing last in the semi apparently consists of two things:

1. Convince the judges Martina is a great singer.
2. Target an under-represented audience of Eurovision – straight males – by projecting a bra commercial on the wall behind Martina. Because boobs are nice, and projecting boobs on a very big wall is better, obviously.

Unfortunately for Martina, though, if this is what she plans to wear on the night, the only thing she will manage to achieve will be a Barbara Dex Award, a competition in which the voters are probably less inclined to be distracted by female breasts.

Cyprus:
I assume the staging director was asked to do something like Russia 2016, only with no budget. What we get, though, is less Sergey-light and more the lovechild of Belgium 2015 and Cyprus 2011, because the Cypriots have really learned nothing from their experience of attempting to manipulate gravity in the past. YOU ARE NOT SAKIS.

Unlike 2011, though, they do manage to overshadow the Czech Republic. But that’s like kicking a puppy.

Not Sakis | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

Also not Sakis

Armenia:
Armenia has JanJanNorPared us this year, it seems. They had a great, colorful video with interesting clothes and weird but awesome choreography, and not only they made it dark – which seems to be a general theme for everyone anyway – they just diluted everything. Less color, less dancers, less everything. Granted, viewers will not know it could have been a lot cooler, but I will, and that’s all that matters.

Slovenia:
Oh, so THAT’S what the chandelier does!

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

Latvia:
I have seen many posts describing certain imagery this entry is supposedly invoking. I have not noticed said imagery in the video, and have chosen to maintain my innocence and not look for it. It does seem to go well with everything else they are doing visually, though, which I assume intends to create a distraction from the fact this really isn’t working live. It is very colorful, though. Maybe they can let Armenia have some? At least that’d be useful, unlike the Latvian entry.

Fly with me high oh high | Thomas Hanses, eurovision.tv

And with a Nor Par, let me bid you farewell. See you in a couple of days for the rundown on semi 2!